Eat, Enjoy, Live

How often do you hear your children asking for a mobile phone/tablet/new trainers or other highly-desired items? 

How do you respond? Do you ever ask them to consider why they feel they "need" it, or to consider the difference between a want and a need? It could stem from a need to fit in with their peers, to be liked, and to be accepted by others, which are all vital to our sense of self. So if you are feeling the pressure but feel that they are too young or not yet able to take responsibility for these status symbols, how do you teach them to understand?

Each time I feel that my children are asking for something they don't need but want, in order to fulfil their sense of self, I remind them of an analogy I developed with them: see your life as being like a big, best quality chocolate bar, wrapped in shiny paper. 

You carefully take off the layer and look at the beautiful, complete bar of chocolate. Then you decide how you would like to eat it. 

Which would be better: to pick up the chocolate, bite into it and eat the whole lot, and then feel full, sick, and sad that it is all gone? 

Or enjoy a small square at a time, savouring each mouthful, experiencing it piece by piece and happily admiring the taste, smell, feel and sight? 

So do you want everything right now - to consume what you have - and then get to a point where you are left wanting more? 

Or would you like to enjoy your life piece by piece, moment by moment, taking in the scenery, sights, emotions, experiences and the beauty of life, savouring each moment and evolving into the person you are?

Live in the moment, and enjoy each and every day!

Photo:Nikki Harman - Chocolate from Chococo, Swanage

Mind Your NHS

The NHS is getting rather a lot of press, recently, what with the planned (and called-off) doctor's strikes;  student nurses and other healthcare professional students' bursaries being scrapped; a £630 million funding deficit in provider trusts; A&E waiting times  as usual under close scrutiny; proposals for seven-day working (as if the NHS is a Mon-Fri 9-5 service); Mental health services cuts...I could go on...and on...but it's so depressing and demoralising, isn't it?

I have been nursing for 24 years, give or take a couple of maternity leave and career break moments. I love my job. I love being a nurse. I love working with different people every day, connecting with patients, with the aim of making their life a bit easier. Easing pain, learning to live with a condition, or finding peace and comfort at the end of life. I have worked with hundreds of others who work in the same way each day, coming in to work and leaving our own dramas and difficulties at home. I, like millions of others, listen to and contribute to conversations before our shifts start, talking about a difficult work situation, a hard conversation, conflict or more besides, mixed in with the ironic, slightly lopsided sense of humour or sardonic observations staff develop over the years.

During our shifts we are often privy to seeing the full spectrum of human nature intertwined with biology; social situations dappling the human experience; agony, pain, grief, sadness, confusion. Staff carry on regardless, putting everything down to experience, but are often affected in some way.

To me, the NHS is like a huge mirror, reflecting the health, wealth and breadth of our society. When we look at it, we see ourselves, we are reminded of our connections with it, and we replay our experiences in our minds and in our hearts.

When I look at the NHS, I see my lifeline. It helps pays my mortgage, it helps me clothe and feed my children. I see the patients and experiences which have shaped my practice and craft of nursing, the art of care and compassion which defines millions of other nurses as well as other healthcare professionals. I also see how myself or my mother may never have survived and how I may never have made it into the world without the NHS; nor would my daughter. My son would have had some significant health issues were it not for the free surgery he has had several times to correct them; my dad would not be here today if the paramedics, A&E and ITU staff had not saved him; my grandparents would not be here today if the NHS had not treated them. When I care for my patients I am grateful for everything, from the paramedics to the pharmacists, the nurses, the doctors, the OT's and the porters, the housekeeping staff, the IT department and the Estates workers. The training days which teach me and refresh me; the staff who make the meals for the patients and who give me sustenance to continue my shift. The patients, even those who are rude to me (I got called a bitch today, for example), who teach me patience, compassion, tolerance and confidence.

So it is heartbreaking to read about these proposed cuts and changes to our services, which are such a huge part of my life, which touches me and with whom I reach out to every time I go to  work. I am sure that any NHS member of staff reading this will be able to relate on some level, just as any patient will be able to, as well. The NHS is the heart of our country, it is the fabric of our land. We need to care for it, protect it, repair it and show it off proudly. We need to do everything we can to respect it, honour it and celebrate it. We need to reinforce it against the tears, rips, heartache and damage.

So if you have an appointment tomorrow, treat the NHS as your best friend. Your best friend who is doing their best to carry on despite having a lot going on in its life, and is trying to carry on regardless. Your best friend who needs some support, respect and love. If you are working tomorrow, cherish every person around you, even those you don't get on with, because they are teaching you something about you, about your skills and about your ability to carry on regardless. Let's show Jeremy Hunt et.al that the NHS is our friend, our family, our colleague, our skill, our knowledge, our fear, our pain, and our success.

Nikki Harman, RGN, is a nurse working in the NHS. Nikki also teaches mindfulness and meditation with adults and children running her own private business as The Mindful Nurse and is the founder of The Inner Space Project.  Contact innerspaceproject1@gmail.com

We've Got To Go Through It!

There are times in our lives when there is pain and suffering. There are days when the world news seems to be filled with nothing but darkness. There is a culture of fear that we are subjected to on so many levels, it feels like we are being stifled in our quest for a life of joy and peace. The events which have taken place around the world over the past few days, weeks and months are harrowing, tragic, and painful beyond words. There seem to be mixed reactions of hatred and retaliation, or a cry for peace and compassion. One is based on fear; the other is on love.

I was reading Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury’s We’re Going On A Bear Hunt to my son, recently. The story, in case you are not familiar with it, follows an excited family walk, as they go On A Bear Hunt. On each page, they exclaim,  “we’re going to catch a big one. What A Beautiful Day! We’re not scared.” However, as they trundle on their way, they face a variety of challenging obstacles, which the family try to work out how to overcome. As they consider the best way of trying to avoid meeting them, they realise the only way to get past the obstruction is to go through it. Eventually, they get to a dark cave, come face to face with a bear, then run all the way back home to the sanctuary of a duvet in which to hide from the bear, who has chased them all the way. The bear then walks – I perceive as rather forlornly – back to his cave.

Now personally, I have always felt sorry for the bear; and as I read the story for the several hundredth time in my parenting career (not counting the number of times I enthusiastically pored over the pages with small children when on my work experience placements as a teenager in a primary school), I realised that to me, the story represents the way in which we (by which I mean humanity in general) deal with our challenges and obstacles in life. Generally, we may go through our life – perhaps excitedly optimistic about the day ahead – but as we meet the inevitable twists and turns, we have to make some decisions about whether to avoid the obstacles, or face them head-on. So if we do “go through it” to overcome the challenges we face, we may meet our intended goal, only to find it isn’t how we expect it to be. Sometimes we have no choice but to go through these obstacles, to weather the storms, in order to conquer the fears we have. Sometimes, to meet our greatest fear is too much to “bear”, so we run away and hide from it, leaving the fear unchallenged and unconquered, yet potentially missing so much. What if the bear, despite his grizzly (frightening) appearances, turns out to be friendly, unconditionally giving and possesses a depth of understanding with an unmet desire to share with us that we were previously unaware of? What if the bear was chasing after the family not to hurt them, but to help heal them from their fear? What if the bear, as it walked slowly back to its cave, felt like it had not met its challenge in life to overcome the reactions of fear and hate, and so felt somehow bereft and misunderstood? There is a part of me that worries about the bear, because I know I have to make friends with my fears and turn down the volume on the voice of doubt I have. I have to learn to love the bear.

This is how I feel about what’s happening in the world, right now. There is so much fear, hatred and running away to barricade us from the “terror” that dwells outside, but it is additionally internal. Whilst there are various sections of society who say they want to do Something to Make It Better, when they are afforded that luxury of actually being able to, they hide away; or worse still, they abuse the luxury or instead retaliate with fear and hate. I ask that we all look at the bear we may be running away from, and instead greet it with love and compassion. Don’t walk through life trying to avoid the obstacles on the path ahead, but go through them, feeling grateful for the experience, no matter how horrific and terrifying it might be. Because this is a gift for us, albeit painful, tragic or heartbreaking. I believe that something good HAS to come from something bad, and that starts with facing our darkest fears and holding up the light to see it in its entirety. We cannot go on hiding away from the painfully obvious, any longer.

Trust or Trussed?

Tru(th)    st(ep)

Trust – the ability to see the truth above perceptions, whilst walking a step at a time, knowing that all is well in that moment, accepting that it is safe to be your authentic self.

Trust gives us the ability to see the truth above the perceptions and take steps to bring our dreams to fruition.

Trust gives us the courage to believe in ourselves and walk our true path, one step at a time…

Trussed means that we are being restricted by our own self-limiting thoughts, or the perceived beliefs of others, which, prevent our growth (moving forward) and change.
“Aerodynamically, the bumble bee shouldn’t be able to fly, but the bumble bee doesn’t know it so it goes on flying anyway” ~ Mary Kay Ash

This is one of my favourite, inspiring quotes, and one I use regularly to help me keep my trust in myself. Trust is like a belief: If you believe something will happen, you put your trust in it. If you trust in something, you have faith that it will happen.

When it comes to making decisions – any decisions which have the potential to cause ripples in life – it often feels easier to ignore it: in other words, to sit back in the sofa, to remain in “the groove”. But this is where we create more problems for ourselves. If we lean back and try to pretend something is perfectly fine as it is, we are at risk of becoming a prisoner of our own choice. We are “trussed up” in apathy, fear, or indecisiveness, which are the ties that bind us from the freedom of leaning forward, standing up and then taking the steps ahead.
Trust in the process of our individual lives arises when we are prepared to lean into the discomfort we feel and experience along the way. If we are being true to our selves, if we are being authentic in our decisions, then we can take the steps forward.
So, where are you, right now? Are you experiencing trust, or are you feeling trussed?

Releasing Anger, Sadness or Fears With Children

Sometimes I find myself telling my children to “calm down” when they’re upset or crying. When I do, I remind myself that they might not want to be calm. They might be feeling so totally overwhelmed by their worries, anger, fear, sadness, that calming down is the last thing they want to do.
Sometimes, it’s easier to let them release everything by having a really good cry. Crying releases a stress hormone called cortisol, which is contained in tears, so this can be a great stress-reliever.

Mindful activities which aim to release emotions are a healthy way of allowing a child to express themselves, especially if they can’t articulate these feelings to others.

This evening I took my restless children for a walk along the beach. We all collected sand to form into a ball, whilst focusing our emotions into the shape forming in our hands.

Then we stood at the edge of the water, and told all of our worries, sadness and any anger to the ball of sand. As we threw the sand as hard and as far as we could into the sea, we shouted into the cool sea air, releasing and letting go of everything we had been holding inside. Then we asked the sea to dissolve the sand balls and anger, washing away the feelings we didn’t want to hold on to, anymore. We all felt better for doing so…I recommend this activity for the whole family, not just children, as I felt the benefits, too! Don’t worry if you’re not by the sea – you could do something similar with a pebble into a river or a lake, or even throw a pair of socks against the bedroom door! Safely channelling anger and difficult emotions can be far healthier than holding it all in, when trying to be “calm” is the opposite of how a child may want to feel.

Back To The Present

A couple of months ago was “Back To The Future Day” after the film’s character Marty McFly time-travelled from 1989 to the 21 October, 2015. In the 26 years since the film was made, the world is very much a different place, and yet some of the “predictions” in the film have been almost accurate.

I describe mindfulness to clients as the non-judgemental awareness of the present moment, allowing thoughts, sensations and feelings to come up but to accept them as they are without the mind interpreting these into something else. So it struck me how it seemed the entire internet was simultaneously jumping between a 26 year old film, to present, and looking forward from the perspective of the past, warm with nostalgia, yet hot to judge how well 2015 was portrayed, back in 1989. It seemed that everything about the film was being judged – the clothing, cars, foods, hoverboards…

…To me, yesterday’s feast of Back To The Future Day was a global media-led illustration of how we can sometimes tend to process our thoughts about the past: We look back at an event, analyse it, then try to overlay it with the present, to fit our perception of what we would like (or not like) to see. In this sense, we do not allow ourselves to accept the thoughts of the past as they were (are), because as time passes by, so we change in the way we look, act, and feel, which may not reflect our thoughts accurately; sometimes we attempt to compartmentalise these perceptions into a structure we “approve” of – the structure that we think makes us feel most comfortable at the time. We make “predictions” about our future based on our past, using our past perceptions, experience and knowledge to shape our desires for what we want to experience at that time, but for a later point in time. Which is OK, except if you’re not really keen on the idea of re-hydrated pizza, for example!

I loved the Back To The Future films, just accepting them as they were at the time. I had no clue about what I would be doing in 2015, back in 1989 when I watched the film. Just like I have only a little idea about what I was doing back in 1989 – I was fourteen, so probably wearing dungarees and listening to the Happy Mondays!

My point is that if you are going to look back at the past, do so without judgement. Be a time-traveller yourself – place yourself in that moment and observe it. Do the same for the present: be experiencing it fully and accept whatever comes your way, process it and release it. Prepare for the future but don’t over-plan – you don’t know what will be, yet.

As the paraphrased quote from Bill Keane goes: “Yesterday is the past, tomorrow’s the future, but today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present”.

Beyond The Gate: To Freedom

Whilst out for a fresh morning run in Dorset, I paused to take this picture. The gate is in the foreground, with the sea, the emerald and sapphire jewels and the dazzling white chalk of the Jurassic Coast and the beautiful blue sky in the background. I never tire of this incredible view. I consider myself to be so lucky to live here, and I am so grateful to be amongst one of the most incredibly picturesque, natural, preserved parts of the country.

As I gazed around, I found myself mindfully working through the sight before me. I became curious about why the gate instantly stood out for me. Initially, it looked like it was an obstruction to the view beyond – why bother with the gate, when there is so much wonderful nature and breathtaking scenery beyond it?

I then began to consider how it is possible to view the gate as an obstruction to the freedom beyond; how as individuals we all have the gates in front of our vision to the beauty we can see but not quite reach. Imagine that an aspect of our self is the gate – one’s own obstruction to what we want to achieve – is our own self-limiting thought or doubt, which stops us from moving forwards and prevents us from enjoying the beautiful environment and circumstances which lie ahead. Seeing the gate itself as a thing of beauty: that the self-limiting belief can also be a thing of beauty, because as we recognise our can’ts/won’ts/it’s impossible/self-imposed limits, we are acknowledging our integrity, or authentic selves (being aware of the fears and doubts which hold us back as well as our hearts desires) because therein lies the opportunity to change something for the better – to create our own freedom.

The ability to see our inabilities, gives us the choice to question ourselves: what if I can? What if I do? Once these thoughts are truly experienced, we have the power to choose to maintain the obstruction, or open the gate and allow us to fully embrace the views and the beauty around us, in truly unimaginable, unpredictable ways we never thought possible: making the impossible a reality.

So today I invite you to open the gate – but before you do, find and experience your own gate in your heart and your mind – what is it that is stopping the gate from opening into the reality you wish to create for yourself? Perhaps your mind is the gate, whereas your heart longs to dance joyfully, wholly, and lovingly into that freedom.

Bon Voyage!

Namaste

Nikki