Variety Is The Spice Of Life

Your beliefs become your thoughts, 

Your thoughts become your words, 

Your words become your actions, 

Your actions become your habits, 

Your habits become your values, 

Your values become your destiny. 

Mahatma Ghandi

I bought a spice tin, recently. I filled it with my favourite spices, enjoying the sights and aromas of each, as my kitchen began to smell like an Indian restaurant, with rich, heavenly scents wafting (albeit piercing through my heavy cold) as I spooned each spice into the container. I felt uplifted by the golds and reds as the stainless steel tin reflected the colours. 

It honestly doesn't take much to make me happy,  and although I may be considered a little bit eccentric, I am happy to have a spice tin, because every time I use it the colours will make me smile, the aromas will fill me with anticipation for the meal I'm about to successfully make (I hope); and because it reminds me of the well-known phrase,

 "Variety is the spice of life". 

To me, the spice tin represents the alchemy, magic, the excitement of what I am choosing to make in my life. It's been a rough couple of years for me. I've had to get right out of my comfort zone and make difficult choices and decisions. The simplest thing would have been to carry on as I was, to continue to think the same way I had been:

 "I can't", 

"It's too hard",

 "I'm no good at this",

 "I will fail"

etc.

Instead, I chose (well, really I was left with no choice but to do something about the situation I was in) to change. Instead of thinking the same thoughts every day, I became motivated by change, by discomfort, by fear. Yes, fear changed my thoughts, because for a long time the fear was in control of these thoughts and about my reluctance to change. But when I mindfully worked through these fears, I realised that I was able to put that fear to good use. I once read somewhere (apologies to whoever it was, but I have forgotten who said it) that "fear is our own potential pushing back at us" - in other words, what holds us back is our own self-limiting beliefs (thoughts) that stop us from moving forwards. 

I used to live each day with this negative monologue in my mind. I never want to go back there! This is so much better:

"I believe in myself"

"I have the power to change"

"I trust in myself and my abilities"

"I have the ability to make things right and good in my life"

"I love life and life loves me"

etc.

Each time I come across an obstacle, I allow the negative self-talk to come up, because it is still a part of me that exists - but instead of buying into it, I acknowledge it, then answer it positively. This is the part of me which exists to reach my potential, and reach my goals, which include believing that we are all intrinsically good, kind people, but there are those who act out of fear, and those who choose to act out of love. We each have a choice every day about which aspects we are going to pay more attention to.

Variety is the spice of life. Why not get out of your comfort zone and find out where you can go?

I am writing a book about finding our own potential through mindfulness and meditation activities; and have started teaching a course alongside it, too. If you're interested, get in touch: innerspaceproject1@gmail.com

We've Got To Go Through It!

There are times in our lives when there is pain and suffering. There are days when the world news seems to be filled with nothing but darkness. There is a culture of fear that we are subjected to on so many levels, it feels like we are being stifled in our quest for a life of joy and peace. The events which have taken place around the world over the past few days, weeks and months are harrowing, tragic, and painful beyond words. There seem to be mixed reactions of hatred and retaliation, or a cry for peace and compassion. One is based on fear; the other is on love.

I was reading Michael Rosen and Helen Oxenbury’s We’re Going On A Bear Hunt to my son, recently. The story, in case you are not familiar with it, follows an excited family walk, as they go On A Bear Hunt. On each page, they exclaim,  “we’re going to catch a big one. What A Beautiful Day! We’re not scared.” However, as they trundle on their way, they face a variety of challenging obstacles, which the family try to work out how to overcome. As they consider the best way of trying to avoid meeting them, they realise the only way to get past the obstruction is to go through it. Eventually, they get to a dark cave, come face to face with a bear, then run all the way back home to the sanctuary of a duvet in which to hide from the bear, who has chased them all the way. The bear then walks – I perceive as rather forlornly – back to his cave.

Now personally, I have always felt sorry for the bear; and as I read the story for the several hundredth time in my parenting career (not counting the number of times I enthusiastically pored over the pages with small children when on my work experience placements as a teenager in a primary school), I realised that to me, the story represents the way in which we (by which I mean humanity in general) deal with our challenges and obstacles in life. Generally, we may go through our life – perhaps excitedly optimistic about the day ahead – but as we meet the inevitable twists and turns, we have to make some decisions about whether to avoid the obstacles, or face them head-on. So if we do “go through it” to overcome the challenges we face, we may meet our intended goal, only to find it isn’t how we expect it to be. Sometimes we have no choice but to go through these obstacles, to weather the storms, in order to conquer the fears we have. Sometimes, to meet our greatest fear is too much to “bear”, so we run away and hide from it, leaving the fear unchallenged and unconquered, yet potentially missing so much. What if the bear, despite his grizzly (frightening) appearances, turns out to be friendly, unconditionally giving and possesses a depth of understanding with an unmet desire to share with us that we were previously unaware of? What if the bear was chasing after the family not to hurt them, but to help heal them from their fear? What if the bear, as it walked slowly back to its cave, felt like it had not met its challenge in life to overcome the reactions of fear and hate, and so felt somehow bereft and misunderstood? There is a part of me that worries about the bear, because I know I have to make friends with my fears and turn down the volume on the voice of doubt I have. I have to learn to love the bear.

This is how I feel about what’s happening in the world, right now. There is so much fear, hatred and running away to barricade us from the “terror” that dwells outside, but it is additionally internal. Whilst there are various sections of society who say they want to do Something to Make It Better, when they are afforded that luxury of actually being able to, they hide away; or worse still, they abuse the luxury or instead retaliate with fear and hate. I ask that we all look at the bear we may be running away from, and instead greet it with love and compassion. Don’t walk through life trying to avoid the obstacles on the path ahead, but go through them, feeling grateful for the experience, no matter how horrific and terrifying it might be. Because this is a gift for us, albeit painful, tragic or heartbreaking. I believe that something good HAS to come from something bad, and that starts with facing our darkest fears and holding up the light to see it in its entirety. We cannot go on hiding away from the painfully obvious, any longer.

Beyond The Gate: To Freedom

Whilst out for a fresh morning run in Dorset, I paused to take this picture. The gate is in the foreground, with the sea, the emerald and sapphire jewels and the dazzling white chalk of the Jurassic Coast and the beautiful blue sky in the background. I never tire of this incredible view. I consider myself to be so lucky to live here, and I am so grateful to be amongst one of the most incredibly picturesque, natural, preserved parts of the country.

As I gazed around, I found myself mindfully working through the sight before me. I became curious about why the gate instantly stood out for me. Initially, it looked like it was an obstruction to the view beyond – why bother with the gate, when there is so much wonderful nature and breathtaking scenery beyond it?

I then began to consider how it is possible to view the gate as an obstruction to the freedom beyond; how as individuals we all have the gates in front of our vision to the beauty we can see but not quite reach. Imagine that an aspect of our self is the gate – one’s own obstruction to what we want to achieve – is our own self-limiting thought or doubt, which stops us from moving forwards and prevents us from enjoying the beautiful environment and circumstances which lie ahead. Seeing the gate itself as a thing of beauty: that the self-limiting belief can also be a thing of beauty, because as we recognise our can’ts/won’ts/it’s impossible/self-imposed limits, we are acknowledging our integrity, or authentic selves (being aware of the fears and doubts which hold us back as well as our hearts desires) because therein lies the opportunity to change something for the better – to create our own freedom.

The ability to see our inabilities, gives us the choice to question ourselves: what if I can? What if I do? Once these thoughts are truly experienced, we have the power to choose to maintain the obstruction, or open the gate and allow us to fully embrace the views and the beauty around us, in truly unimaginable, unpredictable ways we never thought possible: making the impossible a reality.

So today I invite you to open the gate – but before you do, find and experience your own gate in your heart and your mind – what is it that is stopping the gate from opening into the reality you wish to create for yourself? Perhaps your mind is the gate, whereas your heart longs to dance joyfully, wholly, and lovingly into that freedom.

Bon Voyage!

Namaste

Nikki

Mind Your Head

An article written by Oliver Moody for The Times recently, stated that mindfulness can be bad for you.  It seems that  two psychologists,  Miguel Farias and Catherine Wikholm have written in their book The Buddha Pill: Can Meditation Change you? that mindfulness and meditation have hidden risks which can include “mania, depression, hallucinations and psychosis”.

Mindfulness is hugely popular at the moment. It is being taught in schools, is recommended by the National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE) as a treatment  for anxiety and depression, there are meditation retreats and courses all over the world, and experts making claims about its effectiveness. More recently, efforts are being made to reveal its “dark side”, including the profit-making abilities and how it can impact negatively on individuals.

There is growing evidence of the effectiveness of mindfulness, not solely on the mental health side of things, but physically and emotionally, too. There are numerous studies on the benefits of meditation, neatly and concisely summarised by Giovanni Dienstmann.   I have practised mindfulness for many years, as well as carefully taught it to adults, gained a qualification in teaching children meditation and then used the techniques with my own children; in schools; and with patients as part of my tool kit in my role as a registered nurse. I have seen great things arise from those who have used it.

Like many things, mindfulness isn’t for everybody. I have occasionally worked with those who haven’t benefited from the techniques and asked them to self-refer for further help with a psychologist – but these are the clients that haven’t wanted to or haven’t been able to explore the deeper connections within – and any good therapist would know when to signpost these clients for therapy and counselling, without leaving them unsupported and lost, which can lead to mental health issues like mania, depression or deepening anxiety.

Mindfulness requires discipline, time, connection and honesty with ourselves. In situations where we are able to see the deeper truth, of course it has the potential to bring up all sorts of emotional or mental imbalances. But it is important that the individual is supported to do this in a positive way, and for the therapist to know when to refer on, being mindful of the benefits and consequences for all. In short, then, “mind your head”.

Pressure

Imagine the scene: You are out shopping with your young children. You are in a busy shopping centre: it’s 2pm on Christmas eve; it seems as though the whole world is within the confines of the hot, crowded space. People are jostling around you; conversations heard between one person and the next as you pass echo the thoughts in your head: “I still need to buy 3 more presents, I also need to get sprouts and toilet roll and I’ve only got an hour before the stores close”.

You feel hungry and thirsty but you don’t have time to stop. Your children are over-excited, and aren’t listening to you as you instruct them to stay with you, so you are constantly keeping an eye on them. They frequently stop to look at shop windows, fully-laden with enticing-looking toys designed for maximum pester-power. One child points at something and asks if they can have it. When you say “No” a fresh round of questions and pleading ensues. Meanwhile, the swirl of shoppers around you distracts you from your other child, who has been swept along somewhere. You can no longer see them. Heavily laden with bags, you grab the child who is still pleading for a toy, as you feel the mounting panic reach maximum. You have lost your child in the busy shopping centre on Christmas eve.

How do you feel?

Imagine that…

…You feel hot and sweaty.

…You feel dizzy and your mouth is dry.

…You start shaking.

…You can hear a buzzing in your ears. Your head is throbbing.

…Your arms feel weak with fear and the weight of the bags you are carrying. Your legs seem to have turned to jelly.

You can hear yourself shouting your child’s name, but the noise around you and the sound of the buzzing in your ears begins to drown out other sounds.

You must find your other child.

You feel the panic rising in your chest and stomach.

As you look frantically around you, you catch sight of your crying child just ahead of you, being comforted by a stranger. You run to them, grab your child and hug them in relief. You thank the stranger, who leaves you to join the swirl of the crowd.

How do you feel now, and what do you do next?

OK, so this is an extreme scenario, but I designed it to give you a chance to really feel the physical effects of what you were asked to imagine. Did you feel any of the effects? Well, I can tell you that if you felt any of the panic or fear rising within you during the scenario, then it is possible that you can just as easily feel relaxed and calm if you were to imagine a different scenario:

Begin by sitting comfortably. Place your hand on your tummy. Close your eyes, or focus on something directly in front of you. Notice your breathing, and after a few breaths, take the breath deeper into your lungs, down towards your hand. Feel the hand moving outwards as you fill your lungs with air. As you let the breath out, don’t force it, just allow it to happen. Wait for the next breath to come in, slow and lengthen it as you take it to your tummy.

Now imagine It is a sunny day in the park or in your garden. You are standing barefoot on some lush, green, warm grass. You can feel the blades of grass between your toes. The warmth of the grass permeating the soles of your feet. The ground is supporting your feet as you are standing still, listening to the sounds of birds in the trees, the gentle rustling of leaves in the warm summer breeze, bees nearby humming as they pass from flower to flower. The warmth of the grass on your feet as you stand still and listen. The warmth of the sun around you gently blessing your skin with a relaxing touch that reassures you that all is well in this moment.

Imagine that warmth throughout your body. Sit quietly and soak it up for a few minutes.

Then, when you are ready, take a few deeper breaths and say to yourself “all is well with me right now” before you open your eyes. Smile to yourself.

How do you feel now? I must say at this point that if you found this harder than the stressful scenario, don’t worry! The chances are, that if you are affected by stress, it is because your brain expects stress and responds more readily than the measures you can take to feel the opposite.

That’s why regularly taking some time out to meditate can have a beneficial effect on the brain. When we feel stressed, our body releases stress hormones which causes our heart to beat faster, our breath to become shallow and fast, and our blood pressure to increase. Focusing on the breath and being “in the moment” has been shown to reduce blood pressure. Another study showed how meditating before a stressful event had a beneficial effect on stress levels, even in those who had never practised before. And if you are a multi-tasker, frequently changing tacks increases stress levels, but one study showed that meditating decreased stress and increased effectiveness of tasks with increased concentration levels, as well.

My post from yesterday explained how to differentiate between a healthy state of mind, to recognising the need to reset before reaching panic mode, or hitting the emergency button.

So here are just a few benefits of practising mindfulness and meditation. A key to success is finding what works for you, as there are so many different disciplines. As a nurse I am using meditation techniques with my patients in various situations to help them, with interesting and positive results. I can also vouch for myself as a practitioner of mindfulness and meditation – from boiling an egg, to running up a hill or overcoming insomnia, there is a place for these techniques in many aspects of life – with great results!

Nikki Harman is a nurse working in the NHS; and mindfulness and meditation tutor to adults and children. Contact innerspaceproject1@gmail.com for more information about courses or sessions either face to face or over Skype.

Set-Up or Up-Set?

An essential part of being mindful is being present with your thoughts and feelings at any given moment. Some people regard mindfulness and meditation techniques as having to be clear of thoughts, have an empty mind, and be at peace. Whilst there is an element of this involved, this tends to come about as a result of practice. Even then, learning to be at peace with your thoughts and feelings in the moment, rather than having an empty mind, is key to being mindful.

It is not always possible to have an empty mind! The difference between being preoccupied with the thoughts and emotions buzzing within you, and the ability to observe the thoughts and emotions you are feeling, lies in how you perceive them. Learn to tap in to your feelings in a situation. Ask yourself if you feel that this is a healthy state; do you need to reset; or if there is an emergency brewing:

healthy: Being at peace in the moment – feeling calm, in control, happy with what’s going on within/around you

reset: Noticing that you are feeling uncomfortable, agitated, stressed or other emotions which are having a negative effect on you or those around you, and taking mindful steps to set up to a healthy state of mind again

emergency: have you hit the “panic button” – feeling out of control, scared, angry, or other emotions that are making you feel on high alert, impacting on your behaviour and thoughts

Being in the healthy state doesn’t necessarily mean having an empty mind: it means being able to accept the thoughts that you are experiencing, without allowing the attachment of emotions to dominate how you react to these thoughts. In other words, learn to separate the feelings associated with a negative thought. See the thought as a cloud, or imagine you are looking at the picture as an observer, rather than being drawn into the drama of the image or thought. Learn to feel at peace with the thought.

If you sense that your peace is becoming upset, pay attention to how you have set-up the situation. What do you need to change to feel healthy in your mind, again?

Don’t hit the red button: Hit the reset button, instead!

Nikki Harman is a nurse working in the NHS; and mindfulness and meditation tutor to adults and children. Contact innerspaceproject1@gmail.com for more information about courses or sessions either face to face or over Skype.

Be Brave!

Last summer, whilst out running in the woods, I headed towards a path I tend to feel wary of. It was a gloriously warm summer morning, and as I ran along the sunlit-dappled path, I became mindful of looking out for Adders. Now I used to be terrified of snakes as a child; and even as an adult, I’m really not that fond of them.
Despite my fear and dislike, I have never seen a snake anywhere other than behind a plate of glass at the zoo: a sanitised, safe environment – perhaps not so much for my benefit – as for the snakes themselves.

I reflected upon this as I left the woods and entered an open space, that the fear I have of meeting a snake on my own well-travelled path, has little basis. Why must I place the emotion of fear into a situation I have never encountered, and may never face? Surely it would be better to experience the fear and react accordingly if need be?

As much as I love being amongst woodland, I do tend to run a bit faster in the areas where I am likely to encounter an Adder. This might knock a couple of seconds off my time, but if I run too fast, I may miss the beauty all around me – even that of the adder itself.

To confront a fear allows us to learn something deeper about ourselves. If we permit the fear to control our decisions on, say, which paths to take in our life, we restrict our choices, and may inhibit our own growth. Although it might feel easier to avoid anything scary or unknown in order to protect and preserve – to sanitise – our comfort zones, these seemingly easy decisions can prevent us from learning more about ourselves, and forming a deeper connection within.

By facing our fears, we can begin to open up to what it is that has influenced our decisions and perceptions. If we fully experience our fear, we can then see the beauty of our deeper selves, learn as we conquer our fear, and evolve on a spiritual level.

So look for your own strength and courage in your heart, and allow the light within you to be the sun dappling upon your path less travelled.

Heart Box

I am having something of a parental re-vamp, at the moment. There have been a lot of changes at home, lately, bringing with them a number of challenges. It's OK to have these challenges in life, I think, but I want to be conscious of my parenting by being able to connect with my children as much as I can, in order to understand them. I want them to understand their own feelings.

That said, they are pretty good at being able to articulate their thoughts and fears. "I just don't know how to work this out" was a tearful remark made by my 5 year-old son, recently. This sentence stung my heart, because I could totally feel his pain and confusion in the midst of all these changes we are going through. I don't expect him to be able to "work this out"; I don't expect him to be able to process this all like an adult; I do expect wobbles and tears and fears and that is why I am doing my best to be able to keep this line of communication open, for my children to know that they can talk to me about their feelings; and for them to know that their feelings are completely valid and acceptable.

I want them to know that I know it's hard for them and that I am trying to make things better for them. I hope that I am, because I don't think I can try any harder than what I'm already doing.

Part of the work I have been doing in the schools I did some sessions with, involved choosing one of the printed intentions I'd organised. Intentions are sentences or themes which inspire the child (or member of staff) and can choose to follow each day. They select a sentence out of the box, and decide whether or not they are going to go ahead with it. It is a voluntary thing, but the idea is to practice mindfulness using this intention as they go about their day. My aim is for the individual to reach the end of the school day, and think, "yes, I achieved this" when they reflect back on their activities, conversations, lessons, and feelings. Reflection is a mindful activity in itself, and good practice in which to be thankful for ourselves and others, and think about how to modify any behaviours that the individual wishes to change - or to be able to simply identify a need to modify a behaviour/thought/intention etc - for the better.

I decided that today I would bring this into my home, because it gives us all a focus. It gives each of us a chance to not only pick an intention at the beginning of the day, but to re-connect with each other at the end of the day at our evening meal, give each other support, praise, encouragement and reflect together. My aim is that this will bring us closer together as a family, to give recognition for each other's feelings, as well as reinforce and grow our love.

What do you think? How do you bring emotional development into your family? I'd love to know and learn from other's experiences, so please share! Thank you.

Fear-Less

One day, in the summer holidays, I took my five year-old swimming. He was under-confident and clung to me, having lost all the confidence he had gained in his swimming lessons, before the summer holidays began. Then the alarm for the 3-minute warning of the wave machine sounded. He panicked, began to shiver and asked me to take him out of the water.
"It's OK to be scared", I told him. He tried to pull me towards the shallow end, but I held him tightly, and stayed where we were. I decided to use this as a mindfulness opportunity. "I can feel how scared you are. What is it that worries you the most?" He replied, "being pushed over by the waves". So we had something to work on. "That's a possibility. You're scared of the danger, aren't you? That's OK, we can work with this, too. Are you still feeling really scared?" He nodded. "That's OK. But you know that right now, it is safe for you to feel scared, because I am here and I won't let you get into danger." He began to loosen his grip around me. I empathised with his feelings, naming his emotion (fear), and together we accepted the fear. As the wave machine began swirling the water around, he had already acknowledged that he was scared, accepted his emotions, and been given a safe space to experience it. When he accepted that his fear would not be realised, he relaxed a bit.
At this point, I moved a few paces deeper into the water, the waves colliding around us. He allowed me to do this, and I asked him how scared he was. "Not as much as I was" he said. Then he asked to get down and go under the water with me. We submerged ourselves for a few seconds, holding hands, before resurfacing. He was jubilant: "I did it!" He suddenly found his confidence, and he directed me to the shallow end, where we jumped over the waves together. His moment of fear in the past, replaced with fun and confidence.
I have used this sort of technique for all sorts of moments where fear is the thread of the situation. In all cases, once the fear has been acknowledged and accepted, the process of overcoming it can begin. Fear will remain as long as it is unexplained, or unidentified. By tapping into the fear and unravelling it, it can be overcome.

Spark or Sparkle? Get connected!

I've been reading the latest reports on what's happening in our world, this week. Ebola; the conflict in Gaza; Syria; Ukraine and Russia; misguided/greedy/clueless politicians around the world making decisions affecting their country and not listening the the masses; then there's the rising obesity, cancers, poverty, famine, the global economy; the death of Robin Williams. All of the above interspersed with adverts trying to influence what car I should buy, what I should be wearing, where I should be holidaying, and how to be thin. Social commentary on facebook/twitter about the above, and the radio making sure views are adhered to. Or to give people a chance to rant about a subject. No wonder I'm feeling glum. In the time it's taken me to even type this list, I'm feeling lower than before I started.
This can't be how life is supposed to be...is it? Are we all hard-wired to strive for our own individual wants, over and above what others needs are? At what point did the human race move from looking after their basic needs - as being satisfactory to a happy life - to tearing apart someone else's to satisfy one?
 I know this is not the case: the outpouring of grief over Robin William's apparent suicide has been immense, and why? Because he was a fantastically funny human being, who demonstrated his ultimate fragility. A fragility which exists inside all of us. His death has struck a chord with many.
What's happening in the middle east is becoming a prominent news feature every day, and as such is no longer hard-hitting. A couple of weeks ago, whilst eating breakfast in a hotel dining room, the TV was showing the BBC news and weather. As the news items rolled, it reported the latest death toll of the Palestinians: nobody moved. Nobody watched the item. Heads down, shovelling in their food. A moment later, and the weather forecast came on the screen: heads swivelled to watch in anticipation of how hot it was going to be, and whether raincoat or sunscreen would be required, for the day. A hush fell in the room. As soon as the report had finished, people went back to eating. How can this be? Is this English-ness? Is this apathy? Is this a tolerance thing? Is it tolerable to hear how children are dying because of an arguement over land and religion as a means to power and control? I feel the answer to this is "yes" - because we are flooded with the news all the time. We are becoming hardened to war atrocities, because it is something happening far, far away, and it doesn't affect us, at all. Does it?
You know what? It does! It bloody well does, you know. Why?
The fact that someone is more bothered about the weather in their town than fighting and killing going on in another part of the world, is a worrying symptom of how our societies are becoming disconnected with each other. My ability to continue to empathise and feel the need to help relies on my emotional intelligence, that which lights me up inside. How would I feel if I were in a refugee camp in Syria with my children? Not being able to go back to my home. How does it feel to be too scared to leave the house for fear of being raped, killed, or arrested? How does it feel to bury a child? How does it feel to lose everything in the blink of an eye? How does it feel if I forget my umbrella and it rains because I didn't listen to the weather report that day? I get wet: so what?
The thing is, it seems that there are more people who are willing to loudly complain about getting wet before they go home to shower and change into something warm and dry, than those who are shouting about the injustice in the world, and who are prepared to hold out their hand to help a fellow human being. A disproportionate power who want to seek revenge and kill, in comparison to those who are prepared to connect with themselves and others, and find out what has made them feel that urge and make a change. That's why we are all affected by apathy or a lack of empathy. I know that there are movements, campaigns, and positive ways in which social media is helping to influence societies and governments and those in power, but we need to make more of a connection with what's going on in the world, and pay attention. We are all affected in some way by the actions of others.
I was waiting to pay for my food in the supermarket a few days ago, where the store is being refurbished. It was quite busy, and there was an older couple behind me getting really cross and complaining about having to wait to pay for their trolley full of items, despite a free till which was for "baskets only". "So what?" I thought. "The man at the till is doing his job. There are a number of people walking around with baskets, and a larger number with trolleys stacked full of food".
The woman started to raise her voice in annoyance at this, referring to the "stupid idiot" at the till who had refused  to serve her. I wondered whether the young assistant had heard her, and if so, how he would have felt to be insulted like this. I made eye contact with her. The woman continued to complain. I smiled as I listened, then said, "Ah well...never mind. Let it go! There are worse things going on in the world, right now! A few extra minutes queueing won't do you any harm." She stopped in her tracks, took a step back from me, then whispered, "You're right. Of course not." She was so wrapped up in her own head, thoughts, irritation, that everything else had become insignificant. But given an opportunity to see another view, she made a connection with her own feelings, and realised that it didn't really matter, in the grand scheme of things. After I'd paid for my food, I went up to the woman, and wished her a lovely weekend. She smiled back at me and wished me the same. Ta-da! Connection made: spark turned into sparkle. Job done!

This is what this blog post is really about: taking a moment to step back from a situation and connect with your self. Just a moment to track what's going on, back to the "spark", and decide whether it is a sparkle to light your inner glow (that which makes you shine); whether that spark starts an unstoppable fire (that which provokes a sense of a need for revenge or retribution); or whether that spark should be extinguished before it causes any damage (the awareness of negative feelings and acknowledgement  before letting them go without consequence). And if it ain't gonna make you shine brightly enough for others to see and share their light with yours, then don't set the sparks off in the first place. As Ghandi said, "You must be the change you want to see in the world".

Tracking The Inner Voice

A cup of decaffeinated coffee sits on the table, next to my laptop as I work. I am in a hotel near the camp site I am staying at with my family: they have gone on a day trip whilst I take some time out to write, catch up on work and come back to find my inner voice, again. I have been on a roadtrip around the UK with my 2 children for the past two weeks, going from friends to YHA to hotels, to parents; and now camping in Hampshire. I feel worn out and in need of some peace and quiet, despite the fun and frivolity of the past fortnight.
Outside, the rain has been lashing down; now the sunshine is out again and the world outside the window no longer looks dark and foreboding, but light and welcoming: even the leaves on the trees seem to shimmer with delight as they dance in the summery breeze. Here in the relaxed atmosphere of the hotel lounge, Jack Johnson is playing through the speakers; cutlery scraping plate occasionally accompanies the acoustic guitar, joining in the rhythm of footsteps on polished wooden flooring. A child patiently teaches his terrier pup how to sit and stay: the dog obliges and is rewarded with a splash of wine from his master's mother's wine glass.
Back to my inner voice. What is it saying to me? "Write. Work. Get on with what you came here for. You haven't got all day." I take a sip of my coffee. "It tastes too good to be decaff" says the voice. But I reason with it: "I checked with the waiter and he said it is. It's fine. Go ahead, enjoy!" There was a time I would drink caffeinated coffee, but in the past six years I have given it up. I feel so much better for it, too: I no longer feel jittery or anxious, which is how I must have felt a lot of the time without even realising it. There was once a time when I was accidentally given a proper coffee whilst out with my son, who was 3 at the time. Within 40 minutes of taking my first sip, I felt impulsive and wanted to go out and spend lots of money. My son egged me on in our apparently reasonable discussion to get my ears pierced for a second time (seeing mummy acting with exuberance all of a sudden appealed to his toddler mind; we laughed together as I walked home with sparkly blue earrings added to my plain studs. Caffeine does strange things to me).
But back to my inner voice. "What are you doing? Just get on with what you need to do! Why are you adding sugar to that cup? You don't take sugar!" I reason with this: "The sugar lumps look nice. I want one".

I take a lump and watch as it plops into the darkness. A few bubbles appear on the surface. I find myself entering into a quiet moment of reflection. I see how the sugar has altered the coffee. I see myself as the cup, the coffee as the material I am made of, and the sugar as the external substance that alters the matter. Bubbling away, changing the structure, but the vessel itself remains unchanged. A concious decision to change something within, as easy as that. "If only all decisions were that easy" I hear within me.
But in reality, anything can be changed, it just takes action. Thoughts can change the perception of substance. Only action can alter our reality. In order to make the change, though, the perception needs to be there. We can only perceive that a change is needed by recognising the options and choices around us, but we may have to seek for them before they present themselves. We may not always make the "right" choice, but that decision changes us intrinsically. Within us all is the intrinsic ability to be flexible, to change, but what holds us back? "Fear!" I hear my inner voice exclaim. "That sugar is bad for you, what are you thinking?!" I reflect on this. "Habit" I answer. "It's my habit of adding sugar to my coffee, because the sweetness takes the edge off the bitterness. I don't really like the taste so much, these days. Why did I order that coffee? Because I doubt the hotel serves rooibus tea with almond milk: my preferred position of hidden hippy." So I adapt to my surroundings, rather than force a change on others. I doubt there is a demand for this, and I understand that others may recoil at the thought of almond milk and rooibus. I get it! But there could be, if more people knew about it, if more people were willing to try something new, to make a concious decision to change a habit, without allowing fear to stand in the way of an experiment.
I drink the coffee, enjoying the bitter-sweet flavour, knowing that I won't become jumpy or impulsive. Outside, the sun is still shining. Time has moved on. The alcoholic dog has left the building, and new diners have entered the lounge. The music has changed to something with a bit more energy, and new staff have arrived. The hotel has changed within, but outside it still looks the same. There is a different feel to it. I am now enjoying a bowl of soup and a healthy glass of water. Everything has changed, but is still the same.

Cast Light On Your Shadows

Last summer, whilst out running in the woods, I headed towards a path I tend to feel wary of. It was a gloriously warm summer morning, and as I ran along the sunlit-dappled path, I became mindful of looking out for Adders. Now I used to be terrified of snakes as a child; and even as an adult, I’m really not that fond of them. 

Despite my fear and dislike, I have never seen a snake anywhere other than behind a plate of glass at the zoo: a sanitised, safe environment – perhaps not so much for my benefit – as for the snakes themselves.

I reflected upon this as I left the woods and entered an open space, that the fear I have of meeting a snake on my own well-travelled path, has little basis. Why must I place the emotion of fear into a situation I have never encountered, and may never face? Surely it would be better to experience the fear and react accordingly if need be?

As much as I love being amongst woodland, I do tend to run a bit faster in the areas where I am likely to encounter an Adder. This might knock a couple of seconds off my time, but if I run too fast, I may miss the beauty all around me - even that of the adder itself.

To confront a fear allows us to learn something deeper about ourselves. If we permit the fear to control our decisions on, say, which paths to take in our life, we restrict our choices, and may inhibit our own growth. Although it might feel easier to avoid anything scary or unknown in order to protect and preserve – to sanitise – our comfort zones, these seemingly easy decisions can prevent us from learning more about ourselves, and forming a deeper connection within.

By facing our fears, we can begin to open up to what it is that has influenced our decisions and perceptions. If we fully experience our fear, we can then see the beauty of our deeper selves, learn as we conquer our fear, and evolve on a spiritual level.

So look for your own strength and courage in your heart, and allow the light within you to be the sun dappling upon your path less travelled.