Set-Up or Up-Set?

An essential part of being mindful is being present with your thoughts and feelings at any given moment. Some people regard mindfulness and meditation techniques as having to be clear of thoughts, have an empty mind, and be at peace. Whilst there is an element of this involved, this tends to come about as a result of practice. Even then, learning to be at peace with your thoughts and feelings in the moment, rather than having an empty mind, is key to being mindful.

It is not always possible to have an empty mind! The difference between being preoccupied with the thoughts and emotions buzzing within you, and the ability to observe the thoughts and emotions you are feeling, lies in how you perceive them. Learn to tap in to your feelings in a situation. Ask yourself if you feel that this is a healthy state; do you need to reset; or if there is an emergency brewing:

healthy: Being at peace in the moment – feeling calm, in control, happy with what’s going on within/around you

reset: Noticing that you are feeling uncomfortable, agitated, stressed or other emotions which are having a negative effect on you or those around you, and taking mindful steps to set up to a healthy state of mind again

emergency: have you hit the “panic button” – feeling out of control, scared, angry, or other emotions that are making you feel on high alert, impacting on your behaviour and thoughts

Being in the healthy state doesn’t necessarily mean having an empty mind: it means being able to accept the thoughts that you are experiencing, without allowing the attachment of emotions to dominate how you react to these thoughts. In other words, learn to separate the feelings associated with a negative thought. See the thought as a cloud, or imagine you are looking at the picture as an observer, rather than being drawn into the drama of the image or thought. Learn to feel at peace with the thought.

If you sense that your peace is becoming upset, pay attention to how you have set-up the situation. What do you need to change to feel healthy in your mind, again?

Don’t hit the red button: Hit the reset button, instead!

Nikki Harman is a nurse working in the NHS; and mindfulness and meditation tutor to adults and children. Contact innerspaceproject1@gmail.com for more information about courses or sessions either face to face or over Skype.

A Moment

In the quiet of your mind, in the silence of your thoughts, you can be completely with the moment. There is no judgement in the present: the presence of your mind simply allows you to drift through, second by second.

In each second, a murmuring of thoughts or ideas can rush to you, consume you, engulf you; or you can choose to acknowledge the burst and see it wash over you, or pass you by like a cloud in the sky. See each thought as a gift to yourself: the process of thought is one that only you can control, and is yours to accept and allow to pass by without judgement; or one to hold on to and keep. It is not for I nor another to tell you how to use this thought, it is not for me to tell you how that thought will affect your whole Self.

The gift is not really in the thought, but in the deed of your own action, and the consequences once the choice has been made.

 The gift is not in the action, but in your own Self, because you are your own thoughts, you are your own deeds, you are your own consciousness.

The gift is your life, of which You Are. You are the Life, you are your own Truth, you own your own Path.

As you live each day, be the one you long to be. Be the kindness you want to see in others; be the love you want to feel. Love yourself unconditionally as you love others. Be as gentle with yourself as you would be with a newborn baby, and feel that soft connection of who you are within.  Walk each moment knowing that you have created that step in your whole self, putting one foot in front of the other, as well as the steps in your mind as you act out your thoughts and decisions. Just be.

So in each passing moment, be accepting of who you are just in that second, holding no judgement of the thoughts that come to mind, but live it knowing that these thoughts are the essence of who you are. 

Heart Box

I am having something of a parental re-vamp, at the moment. There have been a lot of changes at home, lately, bringing with them a number of challenges. It's OK to have these challenges in life, I think, but I want to be conscious of my parenting by being able to connect with my children as much as I can, in order to understand them. I want them to understand their own feelings.

That said, they are pretty good at being able to articulate their thoughts and fears. "I just don't know how to work this out" was a tearful remark made by my 5 year-old son, recently. This sentence stung my heart, because I could totally feel his pain and confusion in the midst of all these changes we are going through. I don't expect him to be able to "work this out"; I don't expect him to be able to process this all like an adult; I do expect wobbles and tears and fears and that is why I am doing my best to be able to keep this line of communication open, for my children to know that they can talk to me about their feelings; and for them to know that their feelings are completely valid and acceptable.

I want them to know that I know it's hard for them and that I am trying to make things better for them. I hope that I am, because I don't think I can try any harder than what I'm already doing.

Part of the work I have been doing in the schools I did some sessions with, involved choosing one of the printed intentions I'd organised. Intentions are sentences or themes which inspire the child (or member of staff) and can choose to follow each day. They select a sentence out of the box, and decide whether or not they are going to go ahead with it. It is a voluntary thing, but the idea is to practice mindfulness using this intention as they go about their day. My aim is for the individual to reach the end of the school day, and think, "yes, I achieved this" when they reflect back on their activities, conversations, lessons, and feelings. Reflection is a mindful activity in itself, and good practice in which to be thankful for ourselves and others, and think about how to modify any behaviours that the individual wishes to change - or to be able to simply identify a need to modify a behaviour/thought/intention etc - for the better.

I decided that today I would bring this into my home, because it gives us all a focus. It gives each of us a chance to not only pick an intention at the beginning of the day, but to re-connect with each other at the end of the day at our evening meal, give each other support, praise, encouragement and reflect together. My aim is that this will bring us closer together as a family, to give recognition for each other's feelings, as well as reinforce and grow our love.

What do you think? How do you bring emotional development into your family? I'd love to know and learn from other's experiences, so please share! Thank you.

Child's play

Two giggly voices are echoing around the room, interspersed with the sound of paintbrushes dabbing furiously onto paper, and accented by the occasional SPLAT! of bare feet jumping up and down on the spot. This is the activity of two children painting, first thing on a Sunday morning. Oblivious to the November wind and driving rain outside, they are fully immersed in painting a forest: this one has purple, red and green apples growing there. Aw, how sweet! It also contains poo, but we won't dwell on that...

As the two friends continue to paint, they are unaware of everything else around them. I wonder if they would even notice if a horse clip-clopped its way across the kitchen, as they are really enjoying the act of creating this picture, together.

When they finish, they stand back a bit and admire their work. I ask them to imagine being in the forest: they immediately press their noses against the paper and try to get into the picture. "can you imagine how those apples smell" I ask them, and they both take in a big breath through their noses, as if to smell the fruit. Then they are done; they abandon their work of art, and run off to engage in the next activity, the painting forgotten in an instant, and replaced with the next delight.

It's easy to be a child in terms of living in the moment: to focus the mind and the body completely on whatever it is they are doing, block out the outside world, and totally immerse themselves in their present experience. If you've ever got involved in a task and become completely focused on it - then looked at the clock and surprised yourself by the unnoticed passage of time - this is what young children are like for most of their day. Lucky them: I might have to try it, myself!