S T R E N G T H

In the past year I have gone through a marriage break-up; launched my work as The Mindful Nurse; got into the knack of being a single parent; and continued my part time work as a nurse. I am taking on other responsibilities as well, and I am doing up bits of the house that needed attention, in between cooking; reading stories, going for walks, climbing trees, counselling and having loving cuddles with my children, taking them here, there, and everywhere for after school activities and taken them for various hospital appointments; writing the book I have been trying to get out of my head for a year; going through the process of divorce; unblocking my outside sewage drain in the pouring rain (several times) as well as self-taught a few other plumbing techniques to see me through the winter; started to collect tools for my own toolbox and can use confidently; and of course, very crucially, meditating.  I have pushed myself as far out of my comfort zone as I dare. I have tried to be as calm, compassionate, kind and as good a person that I could want to be during what has been a tremendous wrench out of where my life was a year ago, whilst still acknowledging my own sadness and confusion at the trauma which has unfolded.

It took me two years to build up the courage and the strength to be where I am, now. If I had been allowed a peak at myself now, back in 2013,  I could never have believed where my path has led to. Two years ago I was frightened, weak, dis-empowered and had some vision of what I wanted to do/be, but was too under-confident to pursue it. Although I was practising mindfulness and meditation, events in my life had somehow caused me to lose my way, like being in the deep, dark wood, unsure of which way to turn for the best. I knew I had to move in the right direction, but I had no idea of what it looked like.
I had to summon up the courage and strength to take brave steps forward. Things got really tough – heartbreakingly so -for all sorts of reasons. However, one baby step at a time, I gradually found a patch of brightness in these woods, which gave me some energy and power to take bigger, firmer steps which became strides.

Looking back at how things were one year ago, and who I am as a result, I can only put it down to the fact that, through using my mindfulness techniques, meditation, the odd glass of wine and a few amazing friends and family who have supported me through this whole process, I am nearly out of the woods and onto a clearer path. With flowers, birds, butterflies, fluffy rabbits and a merry tune that I can skip along to…

OK, that might be a bit far-fetched – but why not aim for that? One of my regular meditation techniques has involved powerful visualisations of what I want my life to look and feel like. I am therefore striding in that direction, in contrast to the deep, dark world that I am walking away from. Along the way I have encountered various and numerous events to trip me up; I have had traps I have walked into; I have walked into thick mud to pull myself out of. But I’m still walking towards the clearer path.

For me, being able to see that I am doing so much and trying so hard to get things right for myself and for everyone around me, shows me my strength. Two years ago I couldn’t see that, because I was simply too busy trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. What I thought was going on didn’t fit the bigger picture. Now I know that, so I  have given up trying to fit into the bigger picture. Instead I am creating my own.

When life gets tough, you may feel that you are not strong enough to handle it. But when you gather all the little bits of who you are, then fit these pieces together, you might be able to see that you are stronger than you thought you were. Strength brings structure; structure provides resilience.